I just want to see myself how others do. I want to know who I am and what I look like. I don’t recognise who I see in the mirror; This body and this face are foreign. I want to realise that this body belongs to this mind; something that I can’t yet comprehend. I wish I could see myself how others see me, even if just for 1 single second.
Finding people that you can semi be yourself with when you haven’t allowed yourself to share “Mell” in a long time feels free yet petrifying. Being vulnerable is hard. Being open for judgement is hard. It’s painful. If it’s painful then why should I stop? I crave pain, my body is battered with the pain I’ve made it suffer through. Covered in mental and physical scars. I think my fear this time is that the scars that are left will be left by those around me and I’m not prepared for that. I’ve seen how hard it is to recover from from the scars I’ve felt on those around me and I’m not strong enough for that. Yet again it’s a selfish survival mechanism because I deserve the pain of being let down, of being exposed and of being burnt by being open.
“Here�s the thing: Life is now. It�s not ten pounds from now, it�s not twenty pounds from now, it�s not a million dollars from now. It�s right now. And you just have to take a chance.”
Jillian Michaels (via )